Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Of Eagles and Idiots

Bald eagles attack post office at Alaska port,” screams yesterday’s Reuters headline. It’s as though a feathered Al Qaida faction has executed a well-planned sneak attack on the nation.

The article really does seem to attribute malicious intent to our national bird. Read this excerpt:

And for the second consecutive year, they have been trying to chase off
people -- apparently unaware that the Postal Service uses a stylized eagle as its logo. (emphasis added)

As my Uncle Bill would say, “Holy Crow!

I’d like to address the hopelessly confused Reuters reporter, Yereth Rosen, directly:

So the eagles are “apparently unaware”? Even if you were “apparently” trying to be funny, that’s a stupid statement in a news story. They’re eagles! There’s no “apparently” about it—they are definitely “unaware” of anything except what eagles are supposed to do. Do you expect mom & pop eagle to check the evening news, or maybe enter a few keywords on Google, before defending their chicks?

I can just hear the exchange between the “aware” Mr. & Mrs. Eagle. It would go something like this:

“Look, Maisy, we’re the national bird. And we appear on the USPS logo. We can’t be diving at human beings at the post office. It’ll make us look bad and probably cause some idiot reporter to give us a negative write-up in the papers.”

“But Chester, we’re instinctively programmed to protect our babies and keep people away from the nest! Remember, we bald eagles were an endangered species not so long ago.”

“I know. Well, I’ll e-mail the crows and seagulls to see if they can help us out by crapping up the joint so the folks will want to stay away from the post office for awhile.”

“Okay, dear, but until you hear back, I’m going to dive-bomb those humans just like our parents and grandparents did when we were chicks!”

Seriously, Mr. Rosen. They’re eagles, not enemies. And your attitude is for the birds.